Julie’s story

Julie contacted me early June interested in coming to Oasis.  I do hope we will be able to meet her on the “other side” of Covid-19.  She wanted to tell her story as an introduction to coming to Oasis.

Lovely to have found you and made contact, my name is Julie, I have been travelling my road now for the best part of fifty years, so I am no spring chicken!, from very early on I knew I didn’t fit in, it was and still is to an extent very difficult to come to terms with, and I am sure all of us can tell a similar story…

I am to all practical intents and purposes an ordinary, fairly well balanced guy, single but with a secure full time job and a home of my own, I have a range of hobbies including singing and playing music, though not that well, I’m a much better and more confident singer than musician, I have even done several open mic nights and been well received, sadly at the moment of course all of that is cancelled, and I am really missing it, but with the extra time I am getting on with other stuff which is demanding my attention at home including fitting out my kitchen

My biggest problem I feel was the conflict within myself, I was only six when I first tried anything on from my sisters old clothes which were in the attic at the time, I could say I resisted the temptation for a long while, but that wouldn’t be true, I seized it with both hands!, it was still just my little secret though,  later in school life I had to suppress it, and more so when I found myself at a boys only boarding school!, I discovered then I am not Gay, I won’t go in to detail, he was older, and fortunately for me a nice guy who took no for an answer, we did become friends, and he stuck up for me against some very cruel people, I really missed him when he left, as he had seen something in me other’s didn’t see…

When I left school it was a traumatic time for me for all sorts of reasons I won’t share right now and my real self became submerged again for some time, in my later teen’s and with my own money I ventured over the forbidden threshold once more, I think buying my first pair of panties was one of the most terrifying experiences I had had at the time, now I am very casual about clothes shopping generally, in fact after my first admittedly bad experience, I had no trouble really,  no internet options back then but I managed, I live in a village, and my local market town is not very big but I still shopped there, even in the small privately owned lingerie shop we had at the time!

While I’m on that subject, It has come to my notice and I am sure many more of us would agree that the “buying a present gambit” doesn’t fool experienced lady shop assistants, regardless of their age, but if your nice, polite and approach them properly the girls are very happy to help as I am sure they meet a lot like us, and they appear to be very understanding in my experience, or perhaps I have just been lucky!

I think the major turning point for me was when I properly acknowledged my true self, she has a lot more confidence than I did, and I wouldn’t be the person I now am without her, she used to be entirely in the background, but now she has come to the fore I am now much happier, more confident,comfortable and generally a much nicer person to be around, I regret not accepting her sooner, she’s lovely and has opened up my world, I used to really struggle with meeting new people especially socially, I didn’t join clubs or really go out much, now I’m with her I don’t feel so alone, I love meeting people, and take a genuine interest in them, I’m a proper chatterbox, and I belong to three different clubs mainly connected with music, I find work easier to cope with, I am nowhere near as stressed as I used to be, I was like a coiled spring some days!, but now I just sail through most of the time, and I wouldn’t put my genie back in her bottle if I could, the only question remaining is do I live with her, or become her full time, I’m still not sure on that one, but I do know one thing, she’s here to stay and I love her with all my heart….

I am not completely “out” but I’m not in either!, I have not told family or most friends yet, as you don’t want to spoil a long standing friendship, or alienate yourself from your relatives, it’s a difficult choice, and one big reason I am making contact with you all is to gain some perspective from others who are on this difficult journey as well, I am not totally out but it’s not the secret it once was, as one day when out off duty in my usual smarter than average well fitted outfit I happened to run in to three of my younger female colleagues from my  current work, I wasn’t sure where to put myself, but decided to brazen it out, smiled and acknowledged the three of them by name and explained I couldn’t stop to chat as I had an appointment with my opticians!, which was actually true I was walking there from my car.

A couple of day’s later I met one of them at work, she gave me a lovely smile and didn’t even mention it, I still work with her, we get on well and often chat, but we haven’t talked about and  I have heard nothing more about it from anyone at work,   and I’m not the talk of the town either as far as I know!, the only other comment from one of the other lasses I had seen that day was when my rather commodious work trousers were slipping down as I bent over to pick something up, and she suggested without a hint of humour that a ladies cut might suit me better…

I said are you saying I’m curvy?, she said well your not typically male, a truer word never spoken, so at least some of my co-workers know, and possibly more than I realize!

I said above that I am not completely in either, so a few words of explanation are due, although I haven’t been out and about fully made up and in a skirt or dress in public yet, I have been wearing a range of ladies clothes now for years, sometimes with stealth, but in more recent years openly, I think it’s a confidence thing which comes with age and experience, I find I just don’t care that much about what the world thinks about me anymore, also you probably pass with less notice when your over 21!

So I wear ladies trousers, skinny jeans and jegging’s, pretty blouses often in deep colours or with floral prints and embroidery together with a range of  smart well fitted jackets or a ladies pullover and appropriate shoes, often ankle boots when out shopping just in my little town, the only comments I generally hear are either positive, I get a lot of smiles, or just politely puzzled, on one occasion in a supermarket a young woman was walking behind me and noticed my boots, she said to her boyfriend he’s wearing ladies boots!, his reply was a classic, he said so, probably just one of those gender benders! I had to smile! and I am laughing till I cry just thinking about it, and it’s at least three years ago now, suffice to say I am a lot more relaxed in the shop nowadays and I haven’t had an off hand comment recently…

Love and hugs Julie 

4 thoughts on “Julie’s story

  1. Wishing you good vibes (and I am sure they will be!) as your journey rolls on. Hope to meet you post covid.

  2. Hi Julie, found it a very good read and can relate to so much of it, the stress issues are exactly like I was but now life is very chilled, look forward to meeting you when all this is over
    Katie

  3. Hi Julie. You will find a really warm welcome at oasis. We have been supporters now for must be 6 years and really enjoy attending the meetings. Looking forward to getting back again.
    Phyllis and Barry Cole

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