This story starts with a ghost of an idea. Or the idea of a ghost.
The ghost went unnoticed for a very long time.
It was a very quiet little ghost and did it’s best to hide away.
It had to hide as people would not understand it.
Its spent a lots of time’s pretending to be something else, something acceptable to those around it.
I hid it for a long time. I thought I was fooling people but I was mostly fooling myself.
It was a while before I realised that I was the ghost. The ghost was me.
We all have ghosts of our selves that we Keep inside.
Mine was a pretty ghost.
She had to hide because in Norfolk in the mid sixties little boys did not confessed to having a pretty girl inside them.
My ghost and I pretended a lot.
We pretended to like short boy’s hair and not long for pretty pigtails and ribbonsWe pretended to like grey shorts white shirts and not long for a pretty yellow dress.
We pretended to like cars and soldiers and not long for a dolly to dress up.
One day when I was still very small the ghost showed herself.
My sister had a new dress and Mum was getting her to try it on to see how well it fit.
She was playing up and refusing to wear it.
My ghost forgot to hide and said
‘I will wear it’
I was told in no uncertain terms that boys did not want to wear dresses, they were boys and did not want to be pretty.
I hid and cried for a long time.
Over time I have learnt that the ghost and I are one.
Nowadays people talk of gender spectrums rather than just the binary male or female.
I see myself as non binary and have laid my ghost to rest.
But life is still scary and confusing.
I am not truly ‘out’.
About four years ago I had a major meltdown.
I got very Lost and frightened and confused. I felt a failure and a misfit.
I was dressing in private only my lovely wife was aware.
I felt guilty and deceitful like I was lying to the world.
I also felt closed off from everything that gave me comfort in my inner self. That just to enjoy feeling feminine was completely taboo.
Slowly I have come out to those around me that I feel should know and that I respect enough to tell.
Most reactions have been positive. In public I still look very male but just occasionally I get Miss gendered which pleases me no endMy wife has been a great support and I have found talking to a counsellor invaluable in coming to terms with myself.
Georgie attended Oasis some years ago and we look forward to reacquainting ourselves with her again in 2021.