“Come On Dee, tighter, you’ve got to get this corset tighter! I know I haven’t got much of a bust, but we need to make the most of it. We need something to distract the guards!”
Can you imagine it? Dee with her foot in my back, pulling hard, trying to make a couple of pimples into mole hills.
“OK, but don’t complain to me, when you can’t breath”, Dee laughed wickedly. Dee can be little mean sometimes.
Who’d be a girl?
“Your enjoying this aren’t you! Ouch ouch” I gasp, though I know a little bit of breathlessness is a small price to pay for saving the life of The Queen of France; Marie Antoinette…..
Dee and Lilly in eighteenth century Paris, how did that happen? Well let me explain. It all started when Dee invited me over for tea, on a glorious summer day. After a yummy piece of cake and a cooling drink of summer punch, I turned my attention to the garden.
Now I’m not one to gossip, but Dee is not much of a gardener and at the end of the garden was a huge patch of overgrown brambles.
In the sunshine I could see something big and metallic glinting under the foliage,
“What’s that Dee?”, I asked, jumping to my feet and heading off to investigate, “Have you got any loppers?”
After Dee found the loppers and some amazing protective gloves (Screwfix Ref SER01) to protect my nails, we set about our task. After a bit of hacking away, the mysterious thing started to reveal itself. It was some sort of machine; a large platform, with an old fashioned armchair mounted on top, a large vertical disc was mounted at the back and some leavers and controls at the front. On the base, there was a small brass plaque, which read, ‘Property Of HG Wells 1895’.
Having settled myself into the seat, I could see that on the controls was an old fashion indicator with numbers, was set to read 1793 Paris.
“Hop on Dee”, I shouted excitedly, “And press that red button”
The large disc started to spin, then with a blinding flash and a large poof, Dee and I were transported to eighteenth century Paris.
It was an understatement, to say we were a little taken a back. Dee came to her senses first,
“sacre bleu, mon Dieu, gor blimey Charlie’, Dee exclaimed in perfect French.
“Nous Sommes ici, pour libérer la reine de Madam Guillotine’. ‘How do you know this sweetie’ I replied in perfect Essex, “and what did you put in that punch we drank at teatime?”
Quickly we needed a plan so cunning, you could pin a tail on it and call it a Reynard! Dee sprang into action, as calm as a snozecumber, Dee swiped a beautiful ballgown from the Queen’s washing line. Amazing The Queen of France washing her own gowns! As fast as you say ‘Oasis meets on the third Saturday of each month’, she was squeezing me into the dress, with the plan to use my weeny chest to create a distraction. Whilst I used my charms and my très bien school girl French on the jailers, Dee nipped in grabbed our Austian damsel in distress.
“Ic bin a Queen rescuer’ Dee commanded in perfect German, ‘come with us Queenie, we have a time machine outside, with the engine running”
Dee rushed past me, with the bewildered beauty trailing her wake. I followed as fast as my bustle would allow. When I finally caught up and jumped aboard, “where to now?”, is all I could gasp’.
Dee had taste for this adventure now; relishing the opportunity of adding time machine driver to her CV, Dee rocketed us back and forwards through time.
Amazing, in 1535, we rescued a rather ungrateful Anne Boleyn. Dee unlocked all the doors of the Tower Of London, with a Sonic Screwdriver she acquired a Dr Who convention. It’s amazing what that girl carries in her handbag.
“Ere what’s you game?”, Anne bellowed in perfect Yorkshire, “I say what I like, and I like what I jolly well say”. The history books got that wrong, growing up in the French court indeed, more like downtown Leeds. You’ve heard of Leeds Castle haven’t you?
‘I never did like the ginger idiot, all codpiece and no trousers. I only wanted to be Queen'” Anne eventually conceded.
Forward to 1998, were we rescued Prince Diana. Dee pinched the car keys from the drunken Frenchman, whilst I flashed my tiny chest at the paperasse. ‘You’ll never make Page 3 love” they shouted in at me in unison. It did the trick though.
“Is that one of my gowns?” Diana asked to me in perfect toff, as she boarded our machine.
Then to 1962, we rescued Marilyn Monroe.” “Darling don’t take those pills, come with us to a special place south of Norwich and you’ll want to stay forever”. ‘You are so sweet, boo bipty doo” Marilyn exclaimed in imperfect English. American is imperfect English. Discuss!
So far we collected The Queen of France, The Queen of England, The Queen of Hearts and The Queen of Screen, our time machine was getting a little full.
“We’ve got room for a small one. We’ve saved lots of Queens, how about a maid?” pronounced Dee, as she adjusted the controls one last time.
We screeched to a stop and the girls jumped off and we set of to introduce them to our world.
Dee and I looked at each other amazed; somehow by saving these amazing women from their fate at the hands of men, we had changed the world into a world of women. Dee and me, Lilly Jayne Newton had smashed the patriarchy. We did that for you JK and Germaine.
Our new world was so women friendly, the BBC had cancelled ‘Women’s Hour” because every hour is women’s hour. Rejoice!
Sadly the effort of transporting all those girly bodies through time, was too much for our machine. “You just can’t get the parts these days deary” said Beccie of Beccie’s Time Machine Emporium of Cromer, but Beccie gave us part exchange for a newer, greener model, ‘The Oasis Where Dreams Come True Mk6’.
“Where to now?’ asked Dee, as she settled in behind the controls.
“It’s time to stop messing with the past, let’s look at the future. Set the controls of 2265 and say hello to Capt James T Kirk, and then perhaps, we can find out who really is Luke’s father…”
By the way, this little story also explains how Marilyn Monroe was at the Oasis meeting on 17th February 2018, and Joan D’Arc visited on 18th May 2017. Who will at the next Oasis meeting?
One thought on “Lilly and Dee’s Excellent Adventure”
I’m so pleased you liked my little tale, I really enjoyed writing it. As for future adventures, I have a spot of writers block at the moment but you never know.
Come and meet us at Norwich Pride on 30th July.
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