The True History of Lilly Jayne Newton

It’s time to set the record straight, so dispite what you may have heard elsewhere, this is the completely true history of Lilly Jayne Newton. I have resisted the temptation of a substantial fee from ‘Hello’ magazine, to make this a Oasis website exclusive. I hope you enjoy my little tale. 

Who would have thought it? Lilly Newton, East End Essex girl, made Head Girl at the exclusive and expensive Roedean School For Girls. Well I guess I have to thank Noshers’ desire to go “legit and be respectable like’. Nosher? Well that was my dear old Dad, Big Johnny Newton, head of the notorious Newton crime family from Bethnal Green, East London.

Known as Nosher by his horrible mates due to Nosh’s love of good grub, especially the East End caviar that is eel and mash. Nosher was called ‘Mr Newton Sir’ by the many that who feared him, especially The Met Police. So dearest Daddy packed me off to Roedean to get an education and to get posh. I loved it, especially midnight feasts in the dorm with my little gang Carole, Jenny, Rachel, Rachel and Lana. We were the top girls, the world was our oyster (accompanied by Cristal Champagne darling).

Now Roedean was not like some trashy St Trinians; we were the creme de la creme. Unless we were popping down the coast to the clubs of Brighton, we always dressed very demurely; in fact as Lana said, ‘no short cuts ladies and no bare legs’, it was nude tights at all times except in the winter. With a cold the breaze coming off the English Channel, Lana relented and allowed us to resort to something woolier on our shaply legs.

Our favourite teacher, was our games teacher Miss James. Serena (as she sometimes allowed us to call us) was an ace lacrosse player and she encouraged us into the sport. I am proud to say I represented England many times, winning Olympic Gold in Moscow. Don’t you remember my pictures in the papers? I put Ovett and Coe in the shade. Nosher was as proud as punch of his little girl. Miss James, who’s favourite mode of transport was her souped up racing Mini, always flouted convention and encouraged us to do the same.

I’ll always remember Miss James roaring into school, before perfectly executing a hand brake turn into her parking space. It is funny to think that Miss James might now be shorn of her blond locks and is now grey and dignified. For a night out in Brighton, our hem lines went up and our heels were high; oh how we loved to hang out with Drag Queens in Brighton. Rachel and Rachel were always on the dance floor in the age of disco. We truly were the dancing Queens. Sadly school days must come to end and I was back in the family business before I knew it. Now Nosher was fond of saying that if only I’d been born a boy, things would be different; Daddy, what a ridiculous thought and waste this body!

Anyway, Nosher soon learnt that if I was going to head up the firm, running around with guns and all that silly boy stuff, was going to end; we were going in to the fraud business and money laundering through the property market. I needed an inside girl who knew about those new fangled computers. Instantly I remembered Petra, a geeky girl from school, who was always carrying around packs of punch cards and talking in a strange language, apparently called Cobol. Anyway Petra was soon installed in the head quarters of The Midland Bank and the money soon was rolling in, and our stash was the cleanest in town. In his time, Daddy had seen off The Crays’ and The Richardsons’ but there was still one score to settle before we could start really counting the money. 

We needed to stop the notorious and deeply secretive Organisation for Armed Sisters Insighting Anarchy (Oasis for short) before they put us out of business. Back then Oasis was headed by the fearsome Ma Beccie. Ma Beccie, who bought up her girls Vicky, Joanna, Michelle, Geri and Petra, to handle a gun! Ma Beccie had her lair in a place called St George’s Hall, so using all my courage, my prettiest dress and my most glamorous make up, I strutted through the doors of St George’s to challenged Ma to a ‘Pose Off’; the only way to settle this the female way! Ma’s girls against mine on the catwalk. Dressed to the nines in our finest outfits and impossible heels! Who would win? Beccie”s skirts were short, Vicky’s heels were high but so were the bright red heels of Miss James who joined us for contest. 

Oh what a night, late November back in eight two; an evening of glamour and frocks, the smell of nail varnish and perfume was thick. In a scene reminiscent of a catwalk in Paris and Milan, a bevy of beautiful girls strutted their stuff in front of local dignitaries Phillis and Barry. As this was a special occasion, Barry was resplendent in his navy commanders uniform. Barry was oh so hansom. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife; who would tip the balance? Would it be Oasis icon Deedee Starr? Risking Ma’s wroth, Dee defected to my gang at the last minute, or was it the ever lovely Teresa, who always looks amazing? After a nerve jangling wait, our judges declared a draw! Naturally it was a draw, with all those beautiful women. What next? Over dinner at Pizza Express, Ma and I decided we should join together; and in celebration, the Oasis parade was born. Oasis, a support group for Trans Folk by night, and a ruthless crime organisation by day. Sweetie, we have to fund our dress habit somehow. It’s time to draw to a close this episode of The True Life Of Lilly Newton, so next time I will tell you about my modelling career. 

Oh I was such a pretty baby. Now that won’t surprise you to know, and it may sound conceited, but I was. I can still remember the billing and cooing by all who saw me. Naturally a modelling career beckoned, I started on television as the little girl in the Fairy Liquid Advert. Later I was a JPS girl at British Grand Prix, hanging on the arm of James Hunt.

Or I might tell you about my dabble into pop music, when I starred in the Adam Ant ‘Stand and Deliver’ video alongside Diana Dors. Or teaching Boy George his make-up skills, or the time I was thrown out of the Spice Girls for being too good; or my infamous audition for Hot Gossip, I was too sexy apparently; or my evening with The Generation Games’ Larry Grayson, just too weird….. Or there was the time I rode pillion with Barry Sheen, and don’t let me forget to tell you about winning the Le Mans 24hrs single handed. I was always a handy getaway driver. Gosh, I have lived an interesting life, with so many incredible stories to tell; and there is absolutely no need to exaggerate, is there?

A bientôt.. 

Love Lilly x

2 thoughts on “The True History of Lilly Jayne Newton

  1. Lilly Jayne Newton you have a new career…I can’t wait for more episodes detailing your life in the swinging ??
    I never realised you too are an Essex Girl but my commute on the District Line was never so exciting.
    In Great Expectations
    Loraine W

Comments are closed.